


Of Family and Friends

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-25
Updated: 2010-03-24
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8703508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: When Sam's 13 he's left in a new house and finds some note books of Dean's he reads them and finds out things he never imagined.I've completed this at Chapter 3, as I've come unstuck with this story and until I get my head round it I'll just leave it at a completed stage for my own purposes.  Thank you to those who read and commented much appreciated.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Sam's young and a little curious he finds books and well he reads them, they are Dean's. What he finds out doesn't surprise him, but as he carries on reading they reveal something new about Dean.  


* * *

Of Family and Friends

 

When Dean was 17 him his Dad and Sam had all moved to a place called Ashburton, in the middle of God-knows-what-state, Dean hates the place on sight and wishes they were anywhere but here. It’s all neat fronted houses with blossom trees outside and a school that looked clean without any graffiti on it, he knew this was as close to heaven for Sam as any other place had been and Sam had been practically bouncing off the walls. Dean had sighed inwardly, he hated places like this, all perfect on the outside and festering on the inside. Perhaps Dean had gotten jaded over the past years but he really couldn’t be doing with perfection, unless as he often said, he was looking in the mirror at himself. Sam would groan cover his eyes and look disgusted at him, which always rattled Sam’s cage didn’t it. The house they had was small, Dad just giving them enough time to settle down before him and Dean were off and gone leaving Sam all of 13 years old on his own, again. Sam was used to it so he spent an hour just wandering around the house getting to know the lay out like Dad had told him too. 

 

There was no covered veranda type thing at the front of the house just the front door straight out onto the walk way leading to the road. The garden in the front was just grassed and recently cut by the looks of things. There was a hall way with stairs leading up to two bedrooms and a large bathroom, downstairs there was a living room with a brick built fire place a throw back to the seventies by the looks of it, Sam frowned at it he had to admit it was hideous the person who built it probably thought it was the bees knees when it was built. The Dining area was behind the living room with the kitchen off to the left and behind the garage, which was locked and full of junk so Dad said later on. The place was furnished in again late seventies and pretty tacky by all accounts, Sam flopped down on the sofa already bored. At 13 he was tall, and going to get taller so Dean reckoned, which pissed Sam off he didn’t need anything else to bring attention to his gawky long thin limbs than extra height would give him. 

 

As he took their meagre belongings upstairs he pondered on being left behind and got a little grumpy from thinking, he dumped his Dad’s bag in the room at the back with the one bed in it and took the other two bags into the front bedroom with the two beds in it. He unpacked his stuff then reckoned he’d help and do Dean’s bag too, taking out his clothes and hanging them up if they were shirts, tees and jeans. The other stuff Sam put into a drawer he was about to shove Dean’s now empty bag under the bed when he noticed something at the bottom, something he’d not seen before. His attention drawn to it because it was unfamiliar, it was a small red book larger than an address book and had a pen stuffed into the spine. Sam’s curiosity got the better of him and he picked the book up turning it over in his hands as he sat down on his bed. It was obviously something private something Dean had done his best to hide, not very well as Sam had found it all too easily. He was on the verge of putting the book back tucking it under the removable pad at the bottom of Dean’s bag when his curiosity definitely got the better of him and he flipped open the front page. 

 

Dean’s writing jumped out at him, the neat small text and jumble of words surprised Sam, he actually didn’t know his brother had the capacity to write, well write so much. Most of the book was filled with writing, so Sam opened up the front page and began to read, it was mostly about where they had stayed, how he felt about these places and how glad he was to leave, just general stuff, but later on in the book there was a subtle change which made Sam feel weird inside.

 

It was like reading someone’s mind and he didn’t particularly want to read Dean’s never had and never would. Dean’s mind always seemed to be one track, women, girls and fucking in that order or all at the same time. Sam knew Dean had a track record as long as his arm with girls and his saddened Sam to see Dean act that way saddened him to realise that his brother thought that this was the only way he could act. Dean was so much more than just a walking fucking machine, but Dean didn’t either realise this or care or both. 

 

Sam read a few lines towards the middle of the book it was pretty much like at the beginning, he didn’t like the place they were in, hated the motel rooms, didn’t like being stuck around Dad bossing them about all the time, he wanted to rest, he was tired, he was bored, he wanted his brother in a way that he shouldn’t. Sam stopped reading his eyes widening at the little sentence he’d just read, so he re-read it, flushing pink as he did so. Oh my God he thought his brother had gone and lost his mind sex with girls wasn’t enough so his depravity was getting worse and worse. Sam swallowed hard and carried on reading.

 

Its hard being in the same room as Sammy, hard

knowing he’s just a few feet away from me, I know 

thinking like this is wrong and Sammy will probably

pound my head into the floor if he ever read this, but

I can’t help myself. 

 

Sam stopped reading and looked for a date some indication of whether he remembered a change in his brother, something tangible so he could put the pieces together in his now frazzled brain. No dates, this was something Dean just put down as he thought about it and by the colours of the ink it had been some years in the making. He read on a little afraid of what he may find, but totally engrossed in the contents and so curious he was practically falling off the bed.

 

Sam got straight A’s in all his tests today, God I am 

so proud of him, I could have danced around the floor. 

Dad of course, put the dampeners on it by telling Sam 

getting straight A’s wouldn’t help him on a hunt unless 

he wanted to debate with the thing. Typical Dad he 

just doesn’t see that Sam is different, wants different 

things and is so like Dad I could scream. Both of them 

stubborn sons of bitches, both of them so focused on 

what they want they forget about anyone else. I mean 

Sam’s only 12, and he’s clever something that dad just

can’t focus on, he can’t and won’t realise that Sam is 

like mom with her brains, I mean she was clever so Dad 

keeps saying. It’s like Dad can’t see that he 

inherited that part of him from mom, me I just got the 

looks of course.

 

Sam felt a wave of sadness pass over him, he never realised that his brother was proud of him getting good grades. Dean was trying hard not to live his life through his brother but that’s exactly what he was doing, showing all the traits of a proud dad. Sam snorted softly thinking of his Dad and how he just never saw what was going on around him, his mission was the only thing that mattered everything else was immaterial, unimportant and unless something nasty happened he never noticed anything. He never noticed when Dean dislocated his shoulder on one hunt; he just got back in the truck told Dean to hurry up and drove them home. Dean had to go to the hospital the following day when Dad was off again, Sam remembered walking alongside him noting that his brother looked so pale, but Dad hadn’t even given a flicker of recognition to this. 

 

Even when Dad knew Dean had done his shoulder in all he could do was huff and mutter something about him being out of action, and that was going to cause him all sorts of problems. Sam felt the well of anger rising in him and he just wished Dad would listen, or acknowledge that he heard them. Then Sam got angry with Dean for accepting Dad’s behaviour and understanding it, hell Sam knew his mother had died 13 years earlier, hell he understood the man was in pain but he just took his holy mission of his so far it was killing both himself and Dean. Sam shook his head, turned a few more pages of the book and began reading again.

 

Sam turned 13 today, hell that kid’s gonna be tall, 

didn’t know what to get him so the book tokens seemed 

to be a good idea. By the look on his face it was just 

the thing. He’s so innocent, I look at him at times 

and envy his innocence I wish I could regain just a 

small amount and I’d be happy. 

 

I mean it’s not easy being me, I’m a pain in the neck, 

I drink too much and I’m only just 17, I sleep around 

way too much, I know one day it’s gonna be the end of 

me, unless someone takes a shotgun to me first. I know 

all my actions hurt Sam too, I can see it on his face 

when I roll up shit faced and smelling of sex, I know 

he doesn’t understand but it’s the only way I can find 

release, I need it after a hunt and to burn away the 

feelings of isolation and loneliness. I’d rather Sam 

see me like that than any other way, you know like 

breaking down not being able to cope. 

 

Heck I’m 17 for God’s sake I should be playing 

football, preparing myself for college, going steady 

with the sexiest girl in the school, I should be 

looking forward to my senior prom. I should be doing 

something other than this, who wants someone who’s 

never got his high school certificate, who doesn’t know 

the different between Shakespeare and Picasso? Well 

I’ll tell you, a waitress that’s who, and a girl who 

doesn’t know the difference herself. Sam would go ape 

shit at me if he knew how I was feeling, but well if I 

ponder too long on it my thoughts turn to him coming 

out the shower all clean and pink and I just need to 

get out. I need tablets, therapy and locking away for 

these thoughts but well it’s not like I can stop my 

brain from being like this, is it?

 

Sam stopped reading feeling guilty for getting into Dean’s brain and for reading things he just couldn’t quite understand. He knew about incest, but he’d never put Dean and that word together, perhaps it was just a phase and Dean would snap out of it soon. Sam put the book away at the bottom of the bag, and although he never forgot about it, he never mentioned it to Dean or anyone for that matter. He went on with his day, making his dinner for the evening and going to the local grocery store with the money left by Dad. He settled down for the night and slept pretty well all considering. His brother and father return early the following morning, looking in pretty bad shape and really dirty, the mud caking Dean’s shoes and jacket which he bitched about despite Sam helping him. He notices as he helps, Dean moves a little further away from him, keeping a distance that would never have been there before. Sam then realises what Dean has written is true and this makes him feel a little more uncomfortable than usual but he doesn’t show it, not once.

 

 

Dean is 21, full of dumb ideas, still beating off women with a stick in every town they hit, him and Sam do the hunting on their own, Dad off in one place and them in another, this suites Sam down to the ground. Sam is 17 hasn’t been getting along with Dad for some time now, in fact Dad just plain annoys him. Dean also annoys him; he’s been acting like the good little soldier for so long now he does it as second nature, even if he disagrees with Dad he never says so. Sam on the other hand argues the point all the time and this pisses Dad off, as far as he is concerned his sons are his lieutenants and they do as he says no matter what. Dad, of course, forgets that they are becoming men themselves and they wont want to tag along the older they get. Dad being Dad never sees this, still sees them as his kids, still thinks or imagines that they are as focused as he is.

 

Sam goes off to the motel after the hunt, it was a simple affair really, and nothing wild or weird about it but Sam is so tired. Dean has gone on a hunt for food and a bar no doubt; he’ll bring food back with him, eat it and leave. Sam is used to this now, he stops in the motel whilst Dean goes off for some recreational fun, including fucking, hustling and probably a bit more fucking too. Sam doesn’t know if Dean is doing any or either of these things he actually is loathed to ask, doesn’t really want a mental picture of his brother humping some waitress at the local bar. 

 

Dean arrives back, Styrofoam boxes in a large carrier, several bottles of beer and some plastic forks. The food itself isn’t half bad, and Sam is surprised, looks like they hit jackpot with the local takeaway in this town. He wolfs down his food glancing up at Dean several times, Dean is obviously as hungry as he is and never looks back. Sam knows Dean is lonely, knows he feels things he won’t admit too, like he gets hurt, not physically but emotionally. Dean doesn’t fall in love, ever, he just has a quick fling and then he’s off but Sam gets the odd vibe that Dean would like to settle; even if he were shit at it at least he would give it a try. He feels for his brother, but doesn’t understand, Dean is a good looking man, heck he gets stared at all the time, and so what’s the problem? Sam can’t fathom it out; he has a lot of living to do before he understands.

 

 

 

Dean is 26, Sam is 22. Dean hunts on his own now Sam is at college with a girl called Jess, Dean likes Jess she’s cute, all curls and curves. Sam knows Dean’s predatory nature and stands by his girl all protective like. Sam can’t read his brother anymore and he’s certainly not read his little book since that day when he was 13 but he remembers, it’s not like he could ever forget a revelation like that. Dean acts the same a usual, off hand, cold and annoying, you name it anything negative and that was Dean. 

 

Dad’s missing he’s not been in touch for a couple of days now, Sam’s blood runs cold and he stops thinking for a moment.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: The boys are older, Sam still remembers what Dean wrote in the books so long ago. His realisation is he feels just the same (inevitably as these stories go). Dean isn't a well person so Sam has to take him to Bobby's for some R&R.  


* * *

Dean’s 29 and Sam is 25, they’ve lost Dad and a lot of other people too, and Bobby’s in a bad mood and gripping like it’s never going to happen. Dean’s happy but not well, Bobby has allowed them to stop at his place but on the understanding he isn’t going to mollycoddle them they can get what ever they need by themselves. Sam’s being nurse maid to Dean, who’s too shivery and achy to care, all bundled up under blankets in the room. 

 

The doctor had said it was pneumonia, typical of Dean to come down with that, he’d had a cold a few weeks earlier hadn’t taken time to get rid of it and it had steadily gotten worse. His fever had set off alarm bells with Sam who had practically dragged Dean to the nearest medical centre kicking and screaming, well moaning at least. Simple antibiotics would clear it up but Dean needed rest and in his current position he wasn’t going to argue, well not with Sam threatening to run his car off the road unless he did. So Dean was tucked up in bed asleep and Sam was on watch keeping an eye on him, a book in his hand. He stretched up and went to the kitchen getting himself a hot coffee before settling back in his routine vigil with is brother. Bobby was in the kitchen himself; sitting at the table reading something that engrossed him so much he hardly seemed to notice Sam padding into the kitchen.

 

“He any better.” Bobby asked Sam practically jumped in the air thinking Bobby hadn’t heard him, heck that man had radar for ears.

 

“He’s sleeping now, temperature is much better, so yeah I think he’s on the mend” Sam said looking over at Bobby who viewed him carefully “thanks for letting us stay Bobby.”

 

“Not a problem son, it’s actually nice to have someone to talk to other than the fridge.” He smiled at Sam who grinned lopsidedly at him.

 

“Yeah old man the senility is setting in I see.” Sam said smiling wider.

 

“Less of your cheek boy or you’ll be sleeping with the dog tonight.” Bobby moved himself from under the table and waved his coffee cup at Sam signalling for a refill.

 

“So what you boys been up to? Dean hardly ever gets sick, he been running himself ragged again?” Bobby queried taking the offered full coffee cup from Sam’s hand.

 

“Hunting mainly, got a couple of good leads, it’s not been easy Bobby, and Dean’s been pushing himself ever since Dad died. It’s almost like he can’t handle it, like he feels lost without Dad to back him up. Never seen him like this before.” Sam says this quietly as he sits down at the kitchen table. Bobby looks at him and nods, placing his cup on the table he positions himself close to Sam, takes a deep breath noting how tired Sam looks.

 

“Dean’s not used to not having your Dad around, it’s all part of the grieving process son, he’ll come out of it, I know he will, he’s strong Sam very strong. He’s pushed himself for a purpose and you know it, it covers up the pain he’s too damn macho to let out, always was anal if you ask me.” Bobby huffs out a small laugh, remembering John being just the same.

 

“Dean anal thanks Bobby that’s a new picture seared into my brain, thanks I’ll need surgery to remove that vision.” Sam laughs despite him knowing how much pain Dean was in, heck he’d felt so guilty about his Dad dying he also felt guilty for something else which Dean had only hinted on, like Dad’s last words to him before he died, that had rattled Dean something bad and it hadn’t made Sam feel any better knowing either. Take care of Sam, what the hell did that mean, it wasn’t like Dean hadn’t been doing that his entire life, but Sam being Sam he knew there was a hidden meaning in that.

 

Sam shrugged and Bobby sighed, they sat in companiable silence for a while then Sam got back up stretched said his good nights to Bobby and headed back to the room he was sharing with Dean. He noticed their bags were on his bed so he moved them slipping them to the floor at the bottom of his bed, his bag was light but Dean’s had weight to it, so he rummaged around inside and found several little red books, all similar in size to the first one he’d read almost 14 years earlier. The difference with them now was that there were numbers on the front one through to seven, Sam wanted to know what Dean had been up to all these years so he started off at two, it was the usual stuff, hating where they were, something about several hunts, a couple of girls names mentioned nothing more, there was something also about his Dad not too much but it was nice to read what Dean had written.

 

By the time Sam was reading book number seven he’d checked on Dean several times placing a hand on his forehead and relieved to note that his temperature had dropped and he was no longer sweating profusely. Sam settled down to read keeping a wary eye on Dean in case he woke and discovered him, turning the pages and skimming the writing he noted the usual stuff from Dean, along with a lot more description than previously. He described his anger at Dad and Sam, his longing for something more solid than just travelling from one job to another, his wish that Sam and him had something more than they did. Sam re-read the sentence then realised that Dean well Dean had feelings for him that he fully understood now, heck he’d begun to feel differently about his brother from the age of 16 and it hadn’t been because he’d read the first of his little books either. 

 

It had just happened naturally, noticing how beautiful his brother was when wet and freshly washed from the shower, how his muscles moved over his stocky frame, how graceful and precise he was on a hunt. He also noticed that his jealous nature came to the fore a lot more, a lot more than it had with Jess when some random guy was chatting her up, from what he felt now the feelings then had been nothing more than mild irritation. The feelings he had for Dean were complex, ranging from anger, love, hate and raging passion, all of which he had to keep down just in case he totally knocked Dean over with the force he felt he needed his brother from time to time.

 

I wish Sam could see me for who I truly am rather than 

this selfish shell I show to the world, I just wish Sam 

could look at me with trust like I’m trying to with 

him. I love him and I know how I love him is so wrong, 

and I know I’m damned for thinking those thoughts but 

I’m learning to live with them. They keep me warm when 

I’m lonely and sane when things get too much. I wish 

Sam could have been happy with Jess and me with Cass it 

would have been so much easier so much simpler too, but 

to be honest I don’t think either woman would have put 

up with us for long. God in heaven why do the 

Winchester’s never have simple lives, it’s never easy 

for us is it? Still at least I have Sam with me now, 

for a time at least.

 

~~

 

The apocalypse is near, the end is in sight, Bobby is in a wheelchair, and Ellen and Jo are dead so are a lot of others. Dean is loosing his grip on reality and Sam is ready to give hell to anything remotely demonic coming his way. He’s just about gotten Dean’s trust back, Ruby is dead and the final seal is broken.

 

All in all a shitty time for the Winchesters, a shitty time for everyone really.

 

Dean is 31 and Sam is 27, they don’t know what hits them when the final score is about to be settled between the Angels, God’s authority is being challenged and he’s let it go on for a little too long as far as Dean is concerned. God does take control back, oh does he ever, the light he emits blinds Dean for a few days and knocks Sam clean out when he bursts through, sorting out his wayward sons. Dean and Sam are thankful later that they have no idea what happened, and don’t for several weeks afterwards, it all went quiet after the nearly apocalypse even the demons have taken a vacation. 

 

Dean wakes groggy and feeling nauseous, his eyes sting like a son of a bitch and his face feels like hamburger. He has a cut on his head and something must have exploded near him as he has bits of stuff which he doesn’t want to think about but he knows isn’t him. He can’t see the stuff because not only do his eyes hurt they don’t work either, they feel gritty and watery and if he opens them for too long he screams in pain. He crawls around the floor patting the ground and calling for Sam for what seemed like hours, he found Sam eventually well Sam’s ankle and worked his way up his brother slowly checking him out. When he reached his head he felt around and heard Sam groan quietly, he’d hit his head on whatever it was behind him and been knocked clean out. He feels groggy, cant focus properly but at least he can see so he has to lead Dean away from the clearing back to the town and the motel. It’s not like they cause a stir when they arrive in the town, half the town itself has disappeared and there is nothing but a burnt perfect circle where the library, local school and medical centre were. 

 

When Dean was able to see again he had a look at the damage and was shocked by what he saw, very little shocked Dean but this did. To say that the area was a perfect circle was undeniable it was perfect some buildings had been literally sliced in half following the line of the circle; it was like a giant pastry cutter had been used and just removed the top layer of the earth. There was nothing but scorched earth beneath and a foul smell which permeated every pore on your body, and the faint lingering bitter acrid taste of smoke. 

 

After Dean regained his sight back and despite a few stings in his eyes; he used eye drops to help ease the gritty feeling, and Sam found he didn’t have concussion they decided to move on from the town and head east over to Bobby’s. They didn’t speak about what had gone down as they just didn’t know where to start, as the last thing they remembered was being faced by Lucifer and Michael, Sam couldn’t remember much about what passed between them as it was drowned out by a terrible crashing of thunder and lightening; Dean remembered that and the howling wind too. 

 

Then afterwards everything became sort of splintered, like someone turning off the lights darkening a room for several minutes then turning it back on again for a split second. Dean remembered a figure all bright white and shiny, at least it looked shiny to him and slightly ethereal he knew when he looked upon this entity he shouldn’t be looking and he’d been blinded. He felt oddly that it hadn’t been intended, Dean had just looked just as most people would, a brilliant bright light appears and you look don’t you. Well that was Dean’s rational as he allowed Sam to feed him which was not only embarrassing but also a little scary he had no idea what Sam could be feeding him, for all he knew he could eating minced worm. 

 

It wasn’t that Dean was totally useless he could get to the bathroom, okay with a lot of swearing and hitting the furniture and it didn’t help much with Sam laughing his head off every time Dean managed to find that corner of the room where the bathroom wall started, he stubbed his toes on that so many times he gave up counting. Dean was content with having Sam around these days and he knew deep in his heart he reckoned Sam was happy having him around. 

 

As they drove to Bobby’s they saw people in worse off situations than they were; okay so they had no home but they were used to that these people had lost their homes, families and all possessions some where just sitting on the sidewalk looking lost. There wasn’t much Sam or Dean could do for them, and obviously they were in shock, as they watched the heart break surrounding them Dean wondered if these people would ever put their lives together again. It was hard for normal people to do this they never saw this sort of phenomenon ever in their lives where as him and Sam had seen it most of their lives in varying degrees. 

 

Sam looked positively morose as they drove out of the state and crossed over into the next driving most of the following day to Bobby’s. 

 

They arrived at the long bumpy driveway turned into it and followed it round to Bobby’s squat little house. They were both relieved it was still there and standing and that Bobby greeted them with a grunt at the front door. He looked darn pleased they were both alive and talking and breathing.

 

“Well you piss heads know how to throw a party with a whimper” Bobby stated in his usual pleasant fashion “damn it boys what shiting hell went on?” 

 

Dean glanced at him and cleared his throat; Sam just looked at the dog asleep at Bobby’s feet.

 

“Well you idiots talking or just standing there fiddling with yerselves?” He continued making Sam want to roar with laughter.

 

“No sir” Said Dean almost on reflex “We don’t know what happened Bobby, we were sort of out of it if you know what I mean.”

 

Looking at Dean’s expression Bobby guessed that they hadn’t been party or witness to the final showdown between God and his sons.

 

“Bahh” Bobby said looking at them both and noting how Sam kept quiet “you pair of ijits wouldn’t know the apocalypse if it bit you in the arse.” He grinned at them both glad to see them and relieved he wasn’t helping either to bury their brother. 

 

They told him what they remembered and what others had relayed to them, so they came to the joint conclusion that God stepped in just in time, and took control of the situation.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: The truth comes out and Dean isn't as angry as Sam imagines he would be after he's caught snooping. Silly Sam.  


* * *

It had been so quiet recently on the supernatural front, Bobby agreed on that score there was little or no demon activity, and as for anything else just the usual hauntings but ghosts were lost souls and just needed guidance to their final resting place. 

 

Bobby concurred with their findings and told them what he’d heard which was a lot more than they had, since Bobby had connections all over the place and the tentacles of such contacts spread across the world. He told them that in Europe it had gotten a lot messier since their history was longer and bloodier, the ghost activity there had doubled over the last few weeks, but demon possession had dropped to almost zero. God seemed to have stamped his authority into every aspect of human life and this meant there were many burnt circles all over the world from Alaska to Zambia and everywhere in between. Human loss had been a lot but minimal considering the almighty finally getting angry and getting control back.

 

Dean slept in the same bed he had when he’d been sick a year or so before, and lay staring at the cracks in the ceiling, heck Bobby needed this place decorating, paint was peeling and the windows let in the elements. This little shack as Dean loved to call it, was a good bit of real estate and with some effort, not much mind you it would be a good investment for Bobby. Before he slid into sleep, and noting his brother breathing steadily in the next bed he wondered if Bobby would let them decorate the place for him.

 

~~

 

Dean was 32 and Sam had just gone 28, it was summer and the weather had been good this year, no weird storms, no unexplained events which made the weather go off the chart, actually there had not been one natural disaster for almost a year. God certainly had taken control, oh my! had he ever, he totally mucked up the computer world; it worked intermittently, or not at all. Electricity was a thing of the past in some locales; parts of the world were blacked out almost continually. Other parts of the planet they had electricity when it felt like working the people in charge were constantly baffled by why the power went out along this coast and that coast and the central areas of their countries. God was having a laugh, and the joke was on mankind.

 

Dean had one of the smartest ideas ever he decided to see how much it would cost to have solar panelling put up, when Bobby looked at him like he was going to shoot him, Dean managed to explain that it would eventually be cheap. Bobby being the constant sceptic didn’t believe him until his utility bill arrived the following spring and he was impressed, but never told Dean that. Sam just muddled around the best he could, he helped Dean with the car, they sorted out the junk yard and sold a lot of the scrap metal for a good profit, they also sold the tire mountain that threatened to fall on you if you walked by in the wrong way. Sam becoming quite a good bargain hunter on the scrape metal scene. The world passed them by, people went about their way of life and existence slightly changed from the near apocalypse, some didn’t take heed and paid a heavy price later, but others did and made sacrifices, well most of them had to they had no other choice. 

 

Dean found in the scrap yard a lovely wood burning stove just ripe for renovation and he spent a good few weeks sorting it out and fitting it in Bobby’s living room. By that winter they had a nice little nest for themselves and since Bobby didn’t seem to keen on them leaving any time soon the Winchester brothers made themselves at home. Dean turned out to be quite a good restorer, Sam being the good searcher and they found so much of what people called junk that they could earn a good living at.

 

The electricity was out that summer and it was warm but not overly hot in the house, Sam had gotten most of the natural air vents over the doors to open after being sealed shut with years of paint, so they had breeze coming through them which cooled the rooms. Plenty of fly screens over the windows and you could leave windows open creating cross drafts which was very nice. 

 

Tonight Sam had a headache, he’d been out in the sun earlier and had taken his hat off and well now he was paying for his lunacy. He rubbed his temples and went off in the half light to find some pain killers before stumbling back to bed. The water was cold as he swallowed two pills and he felt nice to have the cold liquid slipping down his throat, he carried another glass of water back with him and decided it was a little warm for him to sleep yet so allowing the pills time to work he hunted out Dean’s little red books.

 

They were on volume 8 now and Sam had read every one of them twice at least, they were a revelation on his brother, giving him insight into what he liked. Dean loved women, well he gave the impression he loved women but he liked them smart and career minded but they usually wouldn’t look at him if they were like that. He didn’t particularly like waitresses or bar staff, but they were the only ones who ever took him seriously and he actually thought the only ones who found him intelligent. He found out rather disturbingly that Dean loved him, loved him a little more than a brother should do, but after the disturbed feeling passed he felt a warm fluffy glow appear in his stomach. 

 

He loved Dean very much, heck they’d been together hunting for a long time and were family, the only family they had was each other. He knew Dean liked peace and quiet despite his love for mullet rock and music from a by gone age, he liked dogs and would have loved a dog as a kid. He liked art and would have loved to have been an artist, Dean was very good a drawing but never got the opportunity, well only once but Dad had put pay to that pretty quick. They didn’t have time for art, didn’t have time for Dean to be arsing around doing that pansy stuff he should be out there kicking the crap out of something inanimate so he would be some use in a fight. Lot of good that had done their Father, all that marine training had gotten him dead anyway, so all in all it had been a waste of time. Sam still missed his father and always said small prayers in his head to him and his mother, although he never approved of his father bully boy tactics he understood and well it had stood him and Dean in good stead over the years.

 

Sam read where he had left off.

 

Sam and I have been at Bobby’s for a while now, it was 

good to be here at Christmas, first Christmas we’ve had 

that felt real. It was pretty awesome coming to think 

of it and well what Sam got me was just wicked, all 

that equipment I need for the car was perfect. I know 

he was happy with his present, he kept grinning at me, 

don’t know why but I thought it would be a good idea if 

he had a few books like these so he could, well I don’t 

know write like I do. He just kept smiling at me like 

an idiot, well Sam is an idiot but he’s my idiot. 

 

Went to the cash and carry with Sam today and he 

actually started to talk to one of the cashiers there, 

must admit she was pretty hot, nice looking too. Sam 

said she was intelligent and how the hell he knows that 

mystifies me, but she was apparently on sabbatical from 

college or something when you know what happened, she’s 

had several sabbatical periods now and cant return to 

college for about a year I think Sam said. She was 

studying to be a doctor so that must suck that she 

could have to take another year, still it’s the way 

that things go isn’t it. Sam actually asked her out 

and she surprised us both by telling him to bring me 

along, poor Sam looked pissed. She smiled at him and 

said it would be nice to have two different people to 

talk to as she was bored with the town already, and had 

run out of things to talk about. 

 

 

The night out with her was nice, fun actually and she 

introduced us to some of her friends, who seem pretty 

okay people. Don’t know if they warmed to me, but I 

was talking to a couple and they didn’t run off 

screaming so yeah I think things went well. She’s been 

out with Sam a couple of times now and been over here, 

she even talks to me like I’m human which makes me feel 

okay. 

 

I know I shouldn’t feel the way I do about Sam but well 

you know, I can’t stop myself, its sort of comes with 

the territory being the big brother and all. Love, 

well of course, I can love my brother because he’s just 

that, but LOVE, that’s another thing isn’t it, plus Sam 

would run a mile and stick his head in a gorgon’s mouth 

before he contemplated that.

 

Sam couldn’t help it he started laughing, looking up quickly to make sure that Dean wasn’t awake and by the looks of him he was asleep still. Suddenly his private reading sessions were broken and a voice snapped him out of thoughts of Dean, bringing him home to reality with a crash.

 

“What the fuck are you doing reading that?” Dean’s voice was unusually quiet, but savagely level and deep.

 

Sam swallowed hard and looked up at his brother, this was going to be difficult to explain and Sam had no idea where to begin. Dean was eyeing him with the same look that matched his tone earlier, menacing and frightening, Dean would either kill him and bury him somewhere nasty or take it out on him for eternity then kill him and bury him somewhere nasty. Sam was so screwed. He decided that lying to Dean was not the way to go if he wanted to get out of the room with all his limbs so he cleared his throat and spoke.

 

“Sorry Dean, I wasn’t snooping, but well you don’t really hide these books too well do you? I mean if you wanted them kept secret you should find a better hiding place dude.”

 

Dean just looked at him, his face softening slightly, only slightly and his one eyebrow arching upwards. In the dull gloom of moonlight coming through the window, he saw Dean shift over to his side and lean into his palm.

 

“So you know my secret then?” Dean said quietly a hint of roughness to his tone.

 

“Secret, what secret Dean? Oh you mean the one where you want me, as in want me?” Sam said this slowly carefully, knowing Dean could get pissed off very easily if he pushed too much.

 

“Yeah” Dean’s voice was just a small whisper now.

 

“Yeah Dean, I’ve known since I was 13, didn’t understand back then but noticed the changes.” He said looking away from Dean and closing the little book in front of him.

 

“I wondered if you knew when I bought those note books for you.” Dean answered slowly.

 

“I had an inclination, but wasn’t sure” Sam answered putting the books on the table beside him.

 

“It’s nothing to worry about Sam, not going to jump your bones any time soon, you know our family’s seriously fucked up.” Dean said lying back down and dropping the back of his right hand on his forehead.

 

“Oh right” said Sam hoping he sounded disappointed.

 

Dean looked at him sharply seeing if he could see any hint of repulsion or disgust on Sam’s face, Dean could handle Sam hitting him, walking out anything but him looking at him for the rest of his life with barely reigned in disgust would kill him. Sam just looked as he always did these days mellow, gone were the days of him being angsty and brooding, replaced by a newer improved Sam. 

 

“Dean” said Sam slowly getting up from his chair and approaching the bed where Dean was “were you serious about what you said or was it you just writing as you felt at the time, and well those feelings passed away.” He ventured a quick glance at his brother seriously frightened he could push his luck with Dean.

 

“No Sammy I’ve loved you since the day you were born, loved you even more the older you got, am so proud of you” he gently rubbed Sam’s thigh almost absently “I desperately knew is was wrong so I did what I thought would scrub my mind of anything bad in there, you know women wine and song, all the wrong shit. It just made me want you more and more and the older you got the worse it got. Dad knew there was something going on but he could never put a finger on what exactly it was, I think he’d have ripped my head off if he did. When you were at college he once asked me if our relationship as brothers had changed over the years, I knew what he was hinting at and did a good cover up job, looking at him and saying yes the relationship had changed; you’d gotten older and more independent. He accepted that well I think he did, as he never asked about it again, until that day at the hospital. Along with asking me to take care of you, and you know the rest he asked and told me to do, he also said that being with you was dangerous and if things got out of hand I’d go to hell. I think he thought that would scare me, it did in a way, but as it turned out I went to hell anyways, so his point was invalid.” Dean stopped talking and looked at his brother gently.

 

“Dean you should have said something, at least hinted at it, I always thought you didn’t like me, or stopped liking me, actually I didn’t know what it was and when I was a teenager I thought you just stopped wanting to be my brother. Hell when I was at college I missed you so much it hurt, hurt just as much when I was with Jess, yeah she took away some of the pain but not all of it.” Sam let his finger tips drift slowly up Dean’s arm noting carefully how his eyes dilated and a softer look appeared on his face. A hard looking Dean was beautiful to behold but a gentler looking Dean was truly exquisite. It struck Sam suddenly that they’d not been this close for several decades, hardly had any physical contact.

 

Before Sam could even sigh or think Dean had sat up and was holding Sam in a warm hug his arms wrapped round him in a cocoon of safety. Sam inhaled bringing in that warm smell from Dean a cross between his leather jacket, soap from the bathroom and gun oil, something familiar yet like a distant memory tugging at a distant past which was long gone along with childhood. 

 

After a while Dean pulled back and looked steadily at his younger brother, so different from the child he’d practically brought up single handed, yes so similar to himself. Both were stubborn, both hid their feelings well, both had hidden how they felt about each other for years and this was too much too soon for either of them to handle. Dean shifted on the bed when he released Sam and noticing the look of disappointment on Sam’s face he flicked the bedclothes back and indicated for Sam to join him. Sam gave him a blistering smile and slid into bed next to his brother, wrapping an arm around Dean and lying half on the pillow and Dean’s shoulder. This felt good, safe and familiar, Sam felt a kid again lying like this except with one huge difference they were both men, adults and old enough to know what they would be doing sometime in the future would either make or break them.

 

Feeling happy and content for the first time in his whole life Dean waited until Sam’s breathing evened out before allowing himself to sleep. They slept solidly for over 12 hours, Bobby becoming worried when he didn’t hear the usual grouchy shouting from up the stairs. He shouted from the bottom of the stairs that if they didn’t get their butts down right there and then the dog would have what was left of their breakfast, and he hadn’t been up since the crack of dawn cooking for it to go to waste. He wheeled himself off into the kitchen and sat moodily waiting for them to emerge from their hibernation, watching with interest as they both appeared dressed almost similar, jeans tee shirts and smiles. Had Bobby over done it with the sugar that morning or was he hallucinating, he huffed and frowned at them.

 

“What you two boys do get a woman in their and have your wicked way with her?” he asked gruffly noting how they exchanged glances. 

 

“Yeah chance would be a fine thing” Sam said grinning idiotically.

 

“Mmmm” was all Dean could muster up.

 

“Okay you two ijits what’s up with the smiles in the morning, you on drugs or something?” Bobby said fast becoming suspicious something was up and he didn’t like how this was panning out.

 

“Nothing’s up” Dean said smirking uncontrollably.

 

“Not yet anyway” Sam quipped as he and Dean dissolved into laughter.

 

“I give up” Bobby said more to himself, turning his wheelchair so he didn’t have to look at either of them “get your arses in hear and Hoover up this food or the Dog will think its Christmas.”

 

Dean and Sam followed the instruction and still smiling they sat down at the table and sure enough ate up every last scrap of food, even if it were slightly cold, didn’t look like they cared much either. Bobby was pleased nothing had gone to waste after all they needed their strength to do what he wanted them to that morning. He told them of his plan and despite the fact that the weather was good outside, and it was obvious Dean wanted to tinker with his car and Sam just would do his usual routine and watch him like a hawk, Bobby had other ideas. Bobby washed up and Dean and Sam headed off to the back room on the ground floor where Bobby had taken up residence and was using the room as his bedroom. It was cluttered up with so many books and other stuff there wasn’t enough room for him to manoeuvre around safely so their job for the day was to clear out the stuff and put it across the hall in the smaller room where Bobby would check through it and have a good clear out.


End file.
